The problem when you are a firstborn child and you marry a firstborn child is that everything is rosy… until you have TWO kids. Then you find yourself obsessing endlessly about whether you are doing things well enough for the SECOND child.
So while I was thrilled to find out at this week’s parent-teacher conference that JavaBoy blew away the developmental reading test and that his reading level is almost two grade levels ahead, it also made me worry, “uh-oh, what about JavaGirl?” I was much more diligent about teaching things to JavaBoy — he was my first, and for 25 months, he was my only child. Teaching him was also a parental form of self-defense because the child is such a knowledge sponge that I had to keep finding things to throw at him or he’d go hunting for something to learn — it was better that I channeled that curiosity into things I wanted him to learn (i.e. numbers, letters, reading) than things I didn’t (i.e. what happens when you pour water into an electrical outlet).
JavaGirl also loves to learn, but it is on her terms and in her own way. She will decide the topics and she will bring things to you and ask you questions. She determines the teachable moments. She’s not a workbook kind of a girl. She also threw me an incredible curve-ball by determining hand-dominance very early and becoming a leftie long before I caught on. I kept struggling with trying to teach her how to hold utensils and how to hold writing implements and getting very frustrated — these were things her brother mastered at a very early age — until I finally sat and watched her transfer a crayon from her right hand to her left while coloring one day. Duh!
So it is with this mother-guilt that I worry when I read statistics like the one in the New York Times article mentioned in this week’s JuiceBox about research showing that firstborn children have higher IQs than later-born children. The average differential is 3 points between the firstborn and the closest sibling, but the article points out that can be “the difference between a high B average and a low A, for instance. That, in turn, can have a cumulative effect that could mean the difference between admission to an elite private liberal-arts college and a less exclusive public one.” The article later points out that more Nobel prize winners are firstborn children. (Sorry, JavaGirl.)
Now, part of MY college education included one course in dissecting such studies and I won’t spend an entire blog post arguing about the veracity of the two published papers behind this research — the real point is — if it IS true, does it matter?
This is where the rational part of me overtakes the mother-guilt part of me and reminds me that there is a point at which a kid is “smart enough.” Yes, I am a HUGE advocate of giving children every academic advantage. But when in my volunteer work I see that some children don’t have the basic needs of meals every day, a roof over the heads, someone to read books to them, or even books in the home to have read to them — when I see that some kids can’t get their basic health care needs met, or even their basic emotional needs met (like a HUG), well, then what are three IQ points? I’ll bet you full tummy/warm bed/loving parents/decent upbringing trumps higher IQ more often than not.
My kids? They are going to be fine no matter what their birth order. But let’s get all those smart firstborn Nobel prizewinners out there to help figure out how to get all children what they need.
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Well, I’m the first born and my sister was much more “book smart” than me. Meaning, she got much better grades. However, I am now and always have been more “street smart”. Meaning, how to live day to day life.
With my kids, my first is a very good student it comes natural. My second has to work very hard for good grades. The verdict is still out on #3. LOL
With 3 kids (and the age difference between them, currently 12, 9 & 3) I constantly worry about what I am doing for one that I didn’t do for another. Mother’s guilt will eat you alive if you let it. I really think that mother’s guilt is a sign of a good mom.
Both you and Java dad have younger same sex siblings and from what I can see, they are no slouches when it comes to drive and ability. Younger siblings are “taught” by the older sibling and “driven” to achieve by that relationship. Recognizing that no two individuals are the same goes a long way in helping a second child achieve his/her full potential. Having worked many years with children who have been given every possible academic advantage, I can tell you that the child who learns to be a critical thinker, to be flexible, to work well with others is going to achieve a higher level of satisfaction with his/her life than one who is only filled with academic knowledge/skill. And, as an educator, I can tell you 3 points on any test doesn’t mean a hill of beans when it comes to evaluating one’s life achievements.