The Internal Mommy War

Mommy Wars is a phrase the media uses to depict a battle between “work-outside-the-home moms” against “stay-at-home” moms. I almost called it an imaginary battle, but for some people, it is a very real battle and become quite heated and quite ugly very quickly. I choose not to engage in such battles — I believe if there were one truly “best” solution, we’d all be doing it!

No, I’m writing about a Mommy War of an entirely different nature, a civil war — the battles fought entirely within.

Although I consider myself a stay-at-home mom (SAHM), behaviorally, I am not by the strictest of definitions. I have a small part-time job managing a web site and I also take a few freelance writing jobs.  Then in my “spare” time I run this blog, participate in other blogs, and hold volunteer positions that require a significant outside-the-home time commitment. In other words, there are many things that take the same level of dedication as my previous career did, and often take me away from the family, yet do not yield the same salary nor societal “weight” as my previous full-time career.   I try to balance things as much as possible so that during daylight hours, I am with the kids, but this still leads to conflicts where I have to make choices and without the clear guidelines of  “I have to do this because my livlihood depends on it,”  it makes for a lot of internal conflict.

One of the fun things about Caffeine And A Prayer is I get invited on media tours.  I was invited to something that really piqued my interest and was looking forward to it.  Not only did the subject matter appeal to me, but the logistics were actually going to work out — often I have to turn them down because they don’t work with the JavaKids’ school schedule.  But my mother and grandmother were in town, so even if I ran late, they could pick up the kids from school. 

And then the invitation came home.

The pink construction paper foldover invitation with a glued-on message, “Please come to our Mother’s Tea.”  JavaGirl had colored it in and signed it with her barely legible signature.  Having attended two of these events while her brother was at the same preschool, I knew exactly what was in store –  a carefully rehearsed song, cookies decorated by the kids, and a handmade present just for Mommy.

Briefly I thought through the options.  The media tour offered on-site day care, she could come with me.  No, that’s not fair to her, I knew she had already been working on her craft and song.  I could send her grandmother and great-grandmother along to the Mother’s Tea!  Then, the mere thought of her, looking around at all the other mommies, knowing that her mommy was the only one not there, holding her present that said “Mommy” on it, broke my heart.  I knew that ”Gamoo” and “Pop-Pop” were just not going to be sufficient substitutes and though she would try to remain brave, her little bottom lip would quiver and then the tears would come.  Perhaps the memory of this day would dim over time.  Or perhaps not.

No, this media event, which would be fun and would make a nice blog post, was not worth breaking my daughter’s heart.   

The day of the event came and all three of us, my mother, grandmother and I, attended JavaGirl’s Mother’s Tea.  You could see her practically bursting with pride — for not only was her mother there, but she was the only child with two extra guests.  She sang her song and escorted us to a table where we were served sweet tea and cookies she decorated.  I was proudly presented with this framed poem complete with pink paint handprints.

“There are times when only a Mother’s love can understand our tears,
Can soothe our disappoints and calm all of our fears.
There are times when only a Mother’s love can share the joy we feel,
When something we’ve dreamed about quite suddenly is real.
There are times when only a Mother’s faith can help us on life’s way
And inspire in us the confidence we need from day to day.
For a Mother’s heart and a Mother’s faith and a Mother’s steadfast love
Were fashioned by the angels and sent from God above.”

There was no doubt I had made the right decision.